Time to grief

It’s been almost 11 years ago now and I actually never took the time to mourn. I never really said my goodbye’s or came at peace with the situation. It was very traumatic and emotionally painful. The way she had died was nothing less than torture and murder. I remember when I entered the bathroom to clean up the blood that I was shocked about the amount of blood I was seeing. It was as if someone had spilled buckets of water but instead of water it was thick red blood with blood clots mixed in it. I could feel and see how it all had happened and couldn’t believe that people are capable of doing such monstrous acts.

I didn’t cry in front of my boyfriend, neither in front of his family because I didn’t want them to see me cry. Somehow I felt that it was a weak thing to do and strong people don’t cry. I withheld my tears for a long time and only let it fall when I was alone.

At that time, I was 19 years old, I had so many things going on, after her death, only 8 days later my grandmother died. A week later I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. Two weeks after I had to move out of the house and start living on my own, breaking all contact with my father which lasted for four years.

Time to mourn or grief, wasn’t a possibility, I was studying, working, living on my own and training up to twice a day. It was a really tough time and didn’t have a shoulder to cry on so I had to stand strong and keep on going without thinking about all the things that were going on and had happened. I just completely shut myself off from my emotions and worked like a robot.

Now it’s different, now I have the time and now I’ve made the decision to finally make my peace with all that had happened and give myself room to grief. Finally I will say my goodbye’s and finally I will let my tears fall to process what I’ve been through and what she’s been through 11 years ago. I love her, I send her love and light and will open the doorway for her so she can continue to where she needs to be. May her soul continue to the light where she belongs and will she get there by love. I forgive you beautiful woman and I love you.

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